His love never fails

This morning, Karis and I watched the South Bay Church service online. Well, actually, I watched it while she slept on my lap!

When Archie began singing the song, "His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me," it struck some tender place in my heart and I was trying to figure out why. Then it dawned on me...

It was this Sunday one year ago that I was in the middle of our miscarriage. I felt like something was wrong and had been to my midwife two times the previous week. Both times we saw the heart beating, but I still felt uneasy. That Sunday I found myself caught between hope and despair. Hoping against hope that my intuition was wrong. But the next day my fears were confirmed as the heartbeat was gone.

The song Archie sang this morning was one we sang regularly this time last year...and it haunted me.

"In death, in life, I'm confident and covered by the power of Your great love."

Except, I didn't feel very confident and what I was suffering through didn't feel very loving. 

For months I battled these thoughts in my mind. Every day. All day long. It was hard for me not to equate my circumstances with God's love (or lack of love) for me. I found myself thinking things like, "You could have prevented this. So whether You caused it or simply allowed it, You did this. And I just can't understand why."

Some time during those dark months I listened to a sermon by Andy Stanley. He taught about the time John the Baptist was in prison about to lose his life and it seems that his faith was shaken. John sent friends to talk with Jesus in order to relieve some of the doubts he was having. Jesus reassured John's faith and even said that there was no one greater than John the Baptist. There is no doubt that Jesus loved this cousin of His. But He left him there. In his suffering, facing death. And He said, "Blessed is he who doesn't fall away on account of me."

In other words, "I'm going to do things that don't make any sense to you. There may be times that it seems like I've left you high and dry. But you will be BLESSED if you keep believing and trusting Me even in the darkness."

Jesus proved His love for me on the Cross. No circumstance in my life can ever change that. No matter how much pain I'm in or how confusing His ways may seem, His love is consistent. 

This morning as I listened to the words of that song with Karis in my arms and tears streaming down my face, I thought of how much has changed over the course of one year. From perhaps the darkest days of my life to the most joy-filled. My circumstances have been all over the map, but this one thing remains:

"Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me."

My Joy Has Arrived

8 lbs 15 oz of pure perfection joined the world on Saturday morning at 9:01 AM. 

Our long awaited Karis Joy was welcomed into the thankful arms of her mommy and daddy after 15 hours of labor. This week has been a dream for me. I cannot stop staring at her. I can hardly force myself to set her down. I keep singing to her that David Crowder song that says, "You are my joy, you are my joy" over and over again. She is my gift of grace from God and it has filled my heart with JOY!

I knew from the time I woke up on Friday morning that I would probably give birth within the next 24 hours or so. I wasn't in active labor, but I could tell things were happening. I had already planned on going to breakfast with some very special friends, so I just set about my day with a little giddy excitement in my waddling steps.

Andy and I had planned on going on a date that night. We had already arranged for a babysitter to come and I decided that I didn't want to cancel. Contractions were getting more regular, but I knew this would be our last date for a while and labor could take hours. So we still went out and enjoyed our time. It was quite surreal timing contractions (about 7 minutes apart) and working out childcare details while we ate our dinner.

We came home a little early from our date so Andy could take the boys over to our friends' house. I'm a little neurotic about coming home to a clean house, so I put a few dishes in the dishwasher and straightened things up in between contractions (now about 5 minutes apart). Andy got home, laughed at me, and said "Go get in bed!" I obeyed, but you can tell by the picture below that I was still in early labor. I shot out a few texts to family and friends and posted a couple comments on social media.  

When my contractions were averaging about 4 minutes apart, I text my good friend Stacy. I had invited Stacy to be apart of our birth as she was going to take some video footage of our labor. The picture below cracks me up because it really sums up how I think she was feeling on the inside! She is young, single, never had children, and not very medically inclined. She was honored to be there and said it meant the world to her, but it definitely got her out of her comfort zone! (Btw, she never made this face in front of me. My friend, Kendall, snapped this photo when I wasn't around.)

My labor, which ramped up slowly over the course of the day, progressed slowly the whole time. I got really discouraged by this because my labor with Caedmon was 9 hours and I knew that Caedmon was bigger than what Karis would be. So in my mind, with it being a 2nd birth, 9 hours was the absolute longest my labor would last. Not so. 

We asked our doula to come around midnight when my contractions had been 3-4 minutes apart for a couple hours. I thought for sure that as soon as she got there, she'd say, "Oh, we should head to the hospital soon." Nope. She said, "I think we've still got a good bit of time." :-( What?! I'd been in active labor for over 6 hours. Surely the baby would be born within the next 3 hours. She must be wrong, right? Unfortunately, no.

We got to the hospital at 5am. I still had 4 more hours of work before I held my baby in my arms.

And, finally, the moment we'd all been waiting for. Karis Joy was here.

When her child is born, her anguish gives way to joy because she brought a new baby into the world.  John 16:21

That's the look of pure relief on my face.

The picture below is of my amazing doula, Tara, and my midwife, Lin, who literally saved my life. About 10 minutes after Karis was born, I started bleeding really heavily. Lin switched gears and, in an instant, the room went from a joyful celebration to an intense medical scene. 

For 5-10 minutes, Lin barked out orders, administered 3 different types of meds to me, and did all kinds of painful things to my body. Andy and others around me began to pray out loud and Tara looked at me and said, "Stay alert. Don't close your eyes." It was a pretty scary few minutes until they were able to get the bleeding under control. I don't think Andy's ever been more thankful for modern medicine than he was in that moment.

The drugs that they had to give me left me feeling pretty crummy for at least an hour afterwards. You can see by the look on my face below how out of it I felt.

This was my first good look at her face. Love at first sight.

My support team, cheering me on and celebrating with me.

That evening my friend, Lina, brought our boys up to the hospital to meet their baby sister. You can see how special it was for them.

First photo as a family of five.

I think Karis' birth was especially significant to Sammy. He is a very nurturing child and plays so well with younger children. Moving from the "little brother" role to the "big brother" role made him so happy. He loves to hold her.

Karis is so thoughtful that she planned ahead and had a couple gifts to give her brothers when they met her for the first time. She gave them each a Big Brother t-shirt and the game Blokus to share.

Andy and I got ready to head home about lunch time the next day. Even though the nurses treated us like royalty while we were there, I'm not one for hanging out in hospitals unless I have to.

Karis,

You could never understand what holding you in my arms means to me. As I type with one hand and cradle you with the other, my heart overflows. So many prayers. So many tears. So much waiting and hoping that one day we would have you. And now you're here.

"Thankful" does not even scratch the surface of how I feel. 

Guest Blogger: Kendall Hibiske "You're Invited..."

Thank you, Stacie, for allowing me to hijack your blog!

If you know Stacie Wood, you probably know she’s pregnant. If you know her well, you probably know what an amazing gift this little girl is to her family and to the world! We are so excited to welcome Karis Joy, due November 9^th. Just a few more weeks! I am so ecstatic I can hardly contain myself.

Stacie is the kind of friend to me that you only have a few of in your whole life if you’re lucky. We’ve been through so much together. She was my college roommate, and has been my dear friend through thick and thin. We lived in Texas after we were both married, attending the same school, and now we live in California together serving at South Bay Church! She was even present to see the birth of both of my precious baby girls, now 22 months and 12 weeks!

I am pleased to announce that we are hosting a very special baby shower for Stacie this Saturday October 12^th. All South Bay Church ladies are invited! We want to take any and all measures to get the word out because we did not do any form of personal invite.  We have a facebook event, we put it in the program, and we have been posting this nifty little digital invite above all over social media.

 Please come by and say hello! We really just want to bless Andy and Stacie and celebrate their little miracle together as a church! Hope to see you there!

Kendall Hibiske

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Birthday Party

Caedmon (who is never shy to ask for EXACTLY what he wants, no matter how big or small) always comes up with these elaborate ideas for his birthday. We've done StarWars, a camping trip, and this year it was the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Those turtles were quite popular when I was in middle school, then seemed to hide out in the sewer for many years, and are now making a major comeback. Welcome back, boys. Welcome back.

I now know each turtles' name, color mask, and weapons of choice. Important stuff, I tell ya.

Dirt cake...because life in the sewer is pretty dirty.

The amount of food coloring and artificial ingredients in these cupcakes makes me cringe. I felt guilty for serving them, but they turned out pretty cute. And most importantly, Caedmon loved them!

As the kiddos arrived, they were given the opportunity to make their own numchucks (or as Caedmon likes to call them, non-jocks). Some foam tubing, orange duct tape, and some orange ribbon was all that was needed. It got a little crazy in our living room as more and more kids had weapons to hit each other with! A 7 year old boy's dream!!

Once all the party guests had arrived, they (just like the Ninja Turtles) were exposed to some toxic green goo (green jello) which mutated them into Ninjas. Mutation is underway in the picture below.

Our mutated ninjas with their weapons. Also, Spiderman decided to randomly make an appearance?

Now the ninjas were ready to undergo their first training exercise with Master Splinter Andy. They practiced throwing punches, kicks, and some very funny spinning moves.

After their training session, they were ready for their first mission: an invasion of the Foot Clan. Their ninja skills were required to destroy the evil Foot Clan before they could continue to spread.

Sammy discovered that numchucks were not nearly as effective as biting. I couldn't stop laughing as he'd go from one balloon to another, piercing it with his teeth until in blew up in his face!

Everyone knows that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles love pizza. So the next order of business was delivering 15 pizzas at a time in the form of a relay race. Pizza boxes were flying everywhere!

Our last activity was in honor of Michelangelo, the silly turtle who just always wants to have a good time. We had a silly string war, which was a ton of fun. My back patio may never be the same again!

Our "goodie bags" went home in the form of pizza boxes. I just found those pictures online, printed them on full page label paper, and stuck it right on the pizza box. It was pretty simple and turned out really cute!

The good news is that Sammy decided he ALSO wanted a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle birthday party (at the end of October). At first I thought, "You can't do that. You have to choose something special for you." But then I thought, "Hey, that's a fantastic idea!!! Thank you, Sammy!" 

So all of my left over supplies will be put to good use. No more searching on Pinterest for party ideas or stressing over gathering materials. No more dreaming about Ninja Turtles or planning games. This exact same party will get an encore presentation later this month for a group of 4 & 5 year olds!

Booyakasha! Have a Turtle-Power kind of day, Dude!

A birthday letter to Caedmon

Dear Caedmon,

I am almost a month late writing you a birthday letter! It's no surprise really. I feel like our lives are picking up speed like a freight train on a downhill run. Gone are the long days of toddlerhood where I had to get creative with ways to fill up all our time. Those days were busy in their own regard (mainly cleaning up all the messes you made!). But now our days are full with homeschool, sports, and church activities. And I have a feeling this is just the beginning.

As your sister's arrival draws near, I find myself thinking a lot about your birth and infancy. I remember the look in your daddy's eyes as he supported me through labor. I remember laying in bed as a family of three just minutes after you were born with tears streaming down our faces. I remember being completely blindsided by how much I love you. I never knew love like that was possible. I remember what a sleepy baby you were...we'd try to wake you up to eat by taking all your clothes off, laying you on a hard table, and putting cold wash cloths on you! And we would laugh. At you in all your adorable cuteness.

It unbelievable to me that that was 7 years ago.

You still make us laugh with all of your hilarious comments and funny antics. You are a one-of-a-kind kid, and we adore that about you. You are the only child on your baseball team doing somersaults during practice. You're the only child I know who thinks of questions like, "What's the plan for BayKids when we move to two campuses?" and "Why didn't we put windows in the auditorium at the church?" Never met a 6 year old who is concerned about things like that.

Caedmon,
*  You are INTELLIGENT- your memory is amazing, your vocabulary is surprising, and your ability to learn a new concept in math/language after one explanation makes my job as your teacher pretty simple.
*  You are CONTRARIAN- you disagree with most things just for the sake of disagreeing. (This is quite exhausting, by the way.) The other day I read you a book that had won the Caldecott Award. I told you to pay special attention to how beautiful the illustrations were while I read, so you closed your eyes and said you'd rather imagine them.
*  You are INDEPENDENT- you take your own showers, order your own food, and are almost always the first one out the door. Your dad and I think it's hilarious how you go sit in the van and read a book while waiting on the rest of us.

While you were 6:

• you decided soccer was not your sport because it required way too much running
• you grew to love homeschooling, not so much because of all the quality time you get to spend with your awesome mom, but more because you realize that we get done with school each day much earlier than all of your friends
• your logic became so tight that I can't get around it. You regularly convince me to do things I was not planning on doing because I can't out-logic you!
• you learned to tie your shoes
• you made a million LEGO creations
• you learned to swim in the deep end without a life jacket

I think it's funny how you would NEVER claim Sammy as your best friend, but you climb in his bed almost every morning to giggle and play. It warms my heart to watch your friendship and love grow for one another.

I could go on and on...about how you try to delegate and shamelessly ask for help with all your unwanted responsibilities or how you couldn't care less about other people's opinion of you. I could mention how you're quite motivated by money (earning it, spending it, losing it). I could write about how you are extremely competitive, how you belly-laugh at your dad, or how you write me unprompted love notes. Oh, Caedmon, I love you so fiercely, with all of your strengths and potential and quirks. I love being your mom. I love being loved by you.

You grow and change so much every year...I wonder what this one will hold. I'm so thankful that I get a front row seat as your life unfolds. You are my priceless gift from God.

Happy 7th birthday!
Mommy