Peace

This is a video we showed at South Bay this past Sunday as Andy taught about peace. I hope it encourages you to trust God, even with the painful and difficult circumstances in your life.

Peace from South Bay Church on Vimeo.

I wrote the following letter back in March. I debated whether or not to post it because it is so personal. But I know there are so many women who have experienced this, so I just wanted to give you a glimpse into my heart.

I think about you everyday.
I love you as if you were already in my arms.
I imagine what you will look like~ the color of your hair & eyes.
You are apart of my heart, a missing part of our family.
Every month I hope for you. I have dreams about you. I calculate when your birthday will be and how old your big brother will be when you come.
As hard as I try not to hope for you, I still hope every month...
I'll keep praying for you. And I will wait.
The incomprehensible bond between my heart and yours exists even before you do. The mystery of motherhood.
One day I will hold you.
And I will kiss your face and stare at your every feature, trying to memorize each expression.
So today, we cannot cuddle in the rocking chair or stroll together outside. I can't watch you discover your hands for the first time or listen to you breathe. But one day we will.
And until then, I want you to know that long before you are...you are wanted.

The Chronicles of Caedmon

The past few days Caedmon has said and done a few pretty cute things. I wanted to pass them along...

#1- The first comment came as we were driving down the road one day. Caedmon, who evidently has a fair amount of confusion regarding elements of time, said to me, "Mommy, when I was a little boy I grow up to be a farmer in college."

Didn't even know he was already considering colleges and vocations. I better catch up!

#2- This week as I tried to get all my groceries and a two year old from my car into our apartment I was reminded why I normally by my groceries online and have them delivered. I decided to try to carry them all inside at once so as not to have to make multiple trips with Caedmon in tow. Well I had 13 bags of groceries including two gallons of milk and a gallon of OJ. I said to Caedmon (who often stops to look at every bug, crack in the sidewalk, and piece of trash) "Let's walk quickly so Mommy's arms don't fall off." On our way in the apartment I saw a friend who asked how I was doing. I replied, "Great, but my arms are about to fall off!" Well, this REALLY concerned Caedmon because when we got inside he started saying, "Mommy, why are your arms going to fall off? No, Mommy! I don't want your arms to fall off! (tears) I don't want your arms to fall off!" Awww, thanks Caedo.

#3- This morning, also in the car (I guess he really does some deep thinking in that carseat) Caedmon says, "Mommy, did Jesus die on the cross for our sins because Jesus loves me?" This came after the conversation we had a couple weeks ago:

Caedmon: "Mommy, why Jesus died on the cross?"

Me: "He died to pay for our sins."

C: "Why he paid for our sins?
Me: "Because he loves us and wants to have a relationship with us."

I guess he's putting it all together! Pretty amazing for a kid whose not even 3 yet!

#4- As many of you know, potty training has been quite the issue for us! Caedmon does NOT want to go poop on the potty. Ever! You may get lucky and catch him at just the right moment on occasion, but he'd really prefer to hold it whenever you sit him on the toilet so that you can enjoy cleaning up his mess later.

One complicating factor is that Caedmon very quickly loses interest in a rewards system. I've switched out my rewards half a dozen times, but rewards don't motivate him all that much.

Well, this past week I switched to a "potty chart" where he could earn a big reward (a new pair of pajamas) if he went poop on the potty 5 times. Each time he put a sticker on his chart to document it. Well it took him about 4 days to get the first 2 stickers but that 5th day he must have decided he really wanted those pajamas. He got a third sticker in the middle of the day. Then got out of his bed after bedtime and told me he needed to go, which he did. Another sticker. Then on the way back to his bedroom he started crying and insisting he needed to go again! So I let him but I didn't know what to do. I just gave him the 5th sticker and let him have the pajamas!

That joker totally played me! He went a little. Ran to the kitchen to get a sticker. And then came back to finish it off so he could get another sticker!

That little boy KNOWS how to use the potty. He's just stubborn enough that he's not going to do it unless it's on his terms! Right now my mom is laughing and saying, "You were the same exact way!"

LOTS of Pictures

Andy, Caedmon, and I recently enjoyed a trip to Michigan to visit Andy's family. This was our first time to see them in almost a year. It was such a great trip! The pictures below are from our time with Andy's mom. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera at Andy's mom's house so I don't have ANY pictures of our time with Andy's dad's side of the family. Sad times. I'm hoping that I get some via email and, if so, I'll make sure to post those later.

Caedmon refused to ride in his stroller through the airport because he was so excited about his new suitcase. He's wearing his pajamas because we took the red-eye.

James, Samantha, & Leah

Carrie & Chelsea

Grandma Marcy & Caedmon

Pete, Andy, & Caedmon

Andy with his brother Dalton
(playing with the iPhone)

Andy's other brother, CJ, is the one in white.

He pinned both of his opponents in less than a minute!

Caedmon The Giant Hot Dog
at the Henry Ford Museum

CJ & Caedmon

Me & my boy

Riding the Carousel

The family outside of Greenfield Village

Andy's other brother, Josh with Caedmon
(I know, I know, he's got a lot of brothers!)

Group shot at dinner

Marcy with her boys

4 sons and one grandson
I'm her only "daughter" so I get spoiled!

Grandma Marcy says she gets to spoil Caedmon a lot whenever she sees him because she doesn't get to see him that often. Every time I turned around it seemed she was giving him another present or some ice cream or something! She's an awesome Grandma!

Me, Andy, Josh, and Jamie

Andy's Birthday

Andy's 28th birthday was June 15th and we celebrated it 3 different times! The first time was with some of our friends here in California. The next two celebrations were with his family on our recent trip to Michigan. Below are pictures of our very yummy dinner at Claim Jumpers, where over-eating is an art form.

The Santos Family

In this pic starting on the left side: Elaine, Rebekah, Archie, Filipe, Mandy, Lily, Caedmon, Andy, Calvin, and Jennifer

Caedmon saying, "Cheeeeeeese"

Red Velvet Cupcake...Mmmmm!

I love my man!

Andy ate that whole thing by himself! (j/k)

Raising a Strong-Willed Child

I've been having a rough time with Caedmon the past few weeks. He's 2 years 9 months old and extremely strong-willed. He typically does well in public (which is a huge blessing) but when it's just our family, it can get pretty ugly.

I don't want to go on and on with all the details of issues that we're struggling with (mainly revolving around obedience and self-control) because that would be depressing and perhaps boring to read. But I've been living it every day, every minute, and it has been exhausting.

I did want to tell one story, though. Not so that you would feel sorry for me (or judgemental of me, whichever side of ditch you fall into), but because I know that there is probably another mom out there who is at her wits-end and just needs a little company and encouragement.

Yesterday I was putting Caedmon down for his nap like I've done every day of his life. Lately, going down for a nap has turned into something similar to an arm wrestling match between Caedmon and me. I think he's getting close to no longer needing a nap, but he's a bear without one so I'm trying to hold onto it as long as I can. We went through our naptime routine (potty, brush teeth, read book) and then I closed his door and hoped for the best. It was another day of Caedmon getting out of his bed multiple times and me having to go back in there multiple times to spank him and talk to him. (Yes, we believe in spanking...don't be so shocked!)

The last time I went in, I sat on his little stool and held him as he kicked and screamed and tried to slap me. He was facing me and I had his arms restrained down by his sides. He would start to get quiet but then get going again. I just stared at the wall not knowing what to do or what to say. I kept running over all of my options in my head and couldn't think of anything brilliant or magical to calm him down and make him go to sleep. I felt so inadequate in that moment. I'm his mom. I'm a pastor's wife. I majored in early childhood development. I've read a ton of parenting books. I should know what to do. But I didn't.

So we just sat there. Caedmon screamed and kicked and slapped. And tears ran down my face as I stared at the wall trying to maintain my composure. Finally, after maybe 15 or 20 minutes, Caedmon wore himself out and went to sleep. So I went out in the hallway and just sobbed...thinking, "I can't do this. I'm not even sure if I want to do this. What am I doing wrong?"

Last night I recounted the days events for Andy and I said, "I don't think I have the strength to face him tomorrow." Andy said (with compassion in his voice), "Yes, you do." And we both knew that was true.

I don't know what exhausting circumstance you're facing in your life right now, but there is a God in Heaven whose strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He gives us wisdom when we ask of Him (James 1:5) and grants us more and more grace to sustain us (James 4:6). He gives strength to the weary (Isaiah 40:29) and rest to those who feel burdened (Matthew 11:28)

I did get one thing right yesterday: I am inadequate. But I serve a God who is MORE THAN ENOUGH.