Monday Matrimony

Your weekly bit of [unsolicited] advice...

Tip of the Week: More or Less

This tip requires a little courage. Especially if you're a perfectionist like me who feels totally deflated when you realize that everything you do is not perfect and (gasp) someone might actually be upset with you. But if you're willing to get over yourself and maybe take a small hit to the pride, this tip can serve you (and your marriage) well.

Here's what you do: when you and your spouse have a few minutes for a good conversation, ask the following two questions:

1. What do you need more of from me in our marriage?
2. What do you need less of from me in our marriage?

Simple enough, right? But actually getting those words to come out of your mouth can feel oh so intimidating because you have no idea what is going to come back at you. You may have just unleashed the floodgates of bitterness that your spouse has been holding in...You may have just given them full permission to rip you to shreds. At least, that was my fear.

However, I was pleasantly surprised that Andy was completely gracious with me and actually much easier on me than I would have expected.

But regardless, even if a lot of bad things do come out, wouldn't you rather know? I mean, probably not in that moment, but when you step back to think about it...What if your spouse does carry bitterness or resentment toward you over some issue, big or small? Let's get it on the table, People! Let's have the courage it takes to get to the root issues behind the frustrations and enjoy the deeper intimacy that will result on the other side.

So, sometime over the next 7 days, find the time to ask your spouse these two questions. I dare you!

And the winner is...

Congratulations to Erica Halpin! You are the winner of a $25 gift card to Amazon!

Erica is a fellow church-planters wife, mother of 3 little warriors, and a paperchasing adoptive family! They are in the process of adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. Follow her blog by clicking here.

Thank you all so much for participating in this giveaway! We had 78 different comments...I think the most comments I've ever had was about 3, so that's like about a 2,500% increase in comments! :-) Good job, friends! You didn't let me down!!!

(In Parenthesis)

If you've not yet signed up for the "300th Post Give-Away", click here to do so. The giveaway will be closed on Friday at midnight (PST). 

Andy has been out of town this week, so I've been single-mom-ing-it. I think it must have zapped all of my creative energies because I have had complete and total writer's block. I'll sit down to post a blog and...blank...nothing is there.

But, alas, I've had a bit of an "ahah" moment in mothering this week that I thought I could pass along.

Recently I've been noticing an increase in my frustration with my kids. It seems like someone is always crying or whining. There is rarely a time that I buckle them in their carseats that one of them is not upset about something. I wonder why in the world I need to use windex, carpet cleaner, and half a dozen paper towels to clean up after every single meal. It drives me nuts that my walls are all so grimy. I'd like to make it through a bath time without being as wet as the kids in the tub. And for goodness sakes, could you just hold the door for me when I'm carrying 60 pounds of groceries?!?! The list could go on and on.

Any other moms out there feel my pain?

I realized that these little frustrations were beginning to wear on me, affecting my interactions with my kids and how I felt toward them. I've been praying about it so much and reading some "Mom Books" and here is my grand ahah moment...

Put the frustrating moment in parenthesis.

Normally, these moments where I want to pull my hair out and give my 2-weeks notice for motherhood last only about 5-10 minutes. However, I was letting my frustration from them drag on and on all day. When Andy would ask me, "How was your day?" I'd always just look at him with the expression, "Don't ask." But then I realized that it's not my whole day that is horrible. It's these moments. They should not characterize my whole day (or my whole life, for that matter). I've got to isolate those moments in my mind so that I can enjoy the rest of my time with my kids.

I really do enjoy my kids and love them to pieces...85% of the time. (Is that a horrible thing to say?) However, I was not enjoying my kids 85% of the time because I was allowing the 15% ruin everything for everybody. Now I'm trying to take a few deep breaths, truly forgive my child for whatever the offense was, and then put the moment in a time bound set of parenthesis.

Monday Matrimony

(If you've not yet signed up for the 300th post giveaway, click here to do so. The giveaway will close on Friday at midnight PST.)

And now for your weekly bit of (unsolicited) advice...

Tip of the Week: 15 minutes and everyone's happier

This piece of advice comes from the amazing Christine Caine, although I'm not even sure if she'd remember saying it. I remember it, though, because when she said it I laughed really hard and thought it was such an insightful piece of advice. Here's what it means...

It is a well known fact that (most) men tend to have a stronger sex drive than (most) women. Andy came up with a great analogy a while back. One night when we were brushing our teeth Andy said, "I think you sometimes feel about sex the way I feel about brushing my teeth." It was a valid perspective. My man begrudges getting ready for bed (i.e. washing his face, brushing his teeth, etc...). When he's ready to go to bed, he just wants to go to bed. That other stuff is just slowing him down. It's not that he doesn't want clean teeth, fresh breath, and good oral hygiene; it's just he's tired and brushing his teeth is the barrier standing in between him and going to sleep.

Women can sometimes feel this way about sex. It's not that we don't want a good sex life or value the significant role it plays in our marriage. It's just that, at the end of a long day, it's the "barrier" that stands between us and getting a good night's rest.

I truly hope that this is not the way you feel about sex every time, but if it's true that a man's sex drive is stronger than a woman's (and I'm pretty sure that's true!) then there will be times when your husband wants to have sex and you're just not feelin' it. That's when this tip comes into play: 15 minutes and everyone's happier!

Women tend to make "sex" this huge barrier with a million excuses..."we haven't connected emotionally, I'm so tired, I've had kids hanging on me all day, yadda, yadda, yadda..." Christine was saying that we have to shrink the barrier in our minds. She said, "Come on, girls! It's really NOT that big of a deal. 15 minutes and everyone's happier!"

When you put this piece of advice into action, you can go to sleep without the guilt of denying your husband (and in the process likely sinning against him, 1 Corinthians 7:3-5) and your husband can go to sleep happy because...well, I think that's obvious! :-)

300th Post Giveaway!!!

Today is my 300th post since starting this blog!

There are 3 primary reasons why I blog:

1. I love to write and I needed a way to get out all that was inside. The thought of writing a book is oh so intimidating to me...I wouldn't even know where to start. But a blog? Well, that's much more manageable.
2. It keeps my family "in the know". We live a loooooooong way away from any family (sniff, sniff), so my blog keeps them updated on what's going on in our lives.
3. Influence. I hope that my blog is an inspiration to those who attend South Bay Church, other wives in ministry, adoptive families, and anyone else who wants to join up in my cyber-life. 

The funny thing about blogging is that you really have no idea who's out there reading. I don't know if there are 5 people or 500 people reading a particular post. Some of my best friends never read it (I know this because they'll ask me about something in our family that I just answered in a post). At the same time, there are lots of people at South Bay who I hardly know who know a lot about our family because they do read it. It's a strange feeling.

So, I was trying to think of a way to get people to come out of the shadows and leave a comment to let me know you're out there. It had to be a really good giveaway. Something that everyone would want. But not everyone has the same interests. I racked my brain to think of a good giveaway. And then I decided on, drumroll please, a $25 Amazon gift card! Who wouldn't want that?! You can get (almost) anything your heart desires from Amazon...maybe not with $25, but it's a good start!

So here's how you get chances to win.

For each category listed below that you fit into, you can leave a comment. (Honesty, people. Come on, scouts honor.) Every comment is considered a different entry. I will leave the giveaway open for one week and announce the winner next Saturday, February 26.

1. Just leave a comment. Everyone can do this one.
2. Follow my blog. There are a few different options on how to do this on the right side of my screen. If you already follow or if you sign up today, just leave a comment to let me know.
3. If you attend South Bay Church, let me know
4. If you are a mother (or father) with a child/children under the age of 6, let me know.
5. If you are a church planter's wife or on a church planting team of a church that is less than 2 years old...
6. If you and/or your spouse are serving Jesus in vocational ministry...
7. If you are an adoptive family (paper chasing or already home)...

Wow! Wish I could sign up to win! I'd get to leave 7 comments! Good luck!!!