A while back I was asked to write my story about our struggle with infertility to contribute to a book. I readily accepted the request and was excited for the opportunity. But I found myself continually finding excuses not to write. I had a lot to do, I told myself. More pressing things, like paying bills and cooking meals and returning emails and... I began to realize that I was putting it off not because I was too busy, but because it was too painful. I didn't want to go there again.
Honestly, that wound had really healed. When we began our adoption, I was just as thrilled as I would have been if I found out I was pregnant. There are so many parallels between adoption and pregnancy/child birth. When we finally got Sammy home, I had the child I had been longing to lavish with love in my arms at last and I knew that I couldn't (at that time) handle any more than I had.
But then came this writing opportunity.
It sat there staring at me every time I walked by my computer. Taunting me. Daring me to try to express in words one of the most painful trials of my life.
Finally a friend of mine said, "I'm going to ask you in 2 weeks if you've at least gotten started on it." OK. A little motivation.
So I found a few blocks of time and headed over to Starbucks with my computer in tow. I am quite sure that all the employees at that particular Starbucks think I have either lost my mind or am in desperate need of counseling as I would sit down, open my computer, write & cry for two hours, and then leave. Awkward for everyone, I know. Sorry.
I knew as I faced this task that forcing myself to write the story would rip off the scab, leaving an open wound again. It's a smaller wound to be sure as, truly, some healing has taken place. But it's tender and has created a lot of good dialogue between me and God the last few weeks.
The whole reason I'm writing this post is to share with you a quote that has really ministered to me. I thought about just posting the quote with some generic commentary about it, but I decided it'd be more meaningful for you to know that I'm on this journey too. Some of you only see me each week at church where it's all smiles and stain-free clothing and I look like I took a shower that day. I wanted to let you know that personalizing theology is a painful process for all of us. I wade through my own character flaws and sin tendencies and questions for God. I have to "preach" to myself the things I know to be true from the Word of God.
I don't know what your painful trial is in life. Maybe it's job related. Maybe you're longing for a husband or a child with no end in sight. Maybe you're in a marriage that seems lifeless and hopeless. Maybe you're sick or someone you love with all your heart is suffering and there's nothing you can do to help. I don't know your hurt, but my Father is intimately aware of every tear you cry.
Charles Spurgeon once said,
"We do not show our trouble to the Lord that He may see it, but that we may see Him. It is for our relief, and not for His information, that we make plain statements concerning our troubles."
Whatever is in your heart today, pour it out before the Lord. You can cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you. He is near to the brokenhearted. He is the God of all comfort. He can give you peace, even in the midst of your greatest disappointment.
When I take my troubles to the Lord, I am reminded that He is big and my troubles are very small by comparison. And even when I get off my knees with unchanged circumstances, I stand up with a fresh perspective and renewed heart.
Pour it out to God, and let Him bring healing to your heart.
Honestly, that wound had really healed. When we began our adoption, I was just as thrilled as I would have been if I found out I was pregnant. There are so many parallels between adoption and pregnancy/child birth. When we finally got Sammy home, I had the child I had been longing to lavish with love in my arms at last and I knew that I couldn't (at that time) handle any more than I had.
But then came this writing opportunity.
It sat there staring at me every time I walked by my computer. Taunting me. Daring me to try to express in words one of the most painful trials of my life.
Finally a friend of mine said, "I'm going to ask you in 2 weeks if you've at least gotten started on it." OK. A little motivation.
So I found a few blocks of time and headed over to Starbucks with my computer in tow. I am quite sure that all the employees at that particular Starbucks think I have either lost my mind or am in desperate need of counseling as I would sit down, open my computer, write & cry for two hours, and then leave. Awkward for everyone, I know. Sorry.
I knew as I faced this task that forcing myself to write the story would rip off the scab, leaving an open wound again. It's a smaller wound to be sure as, truly, some healing has taken place. But it's tender and has created a lot of good dialogue between me and God the last few weeks.
The whole reason I'm writing this post is to share with you a quote that has really ministered to me. I thought about just posting the quote with some generic commentary about it, but I decided it'd be more meaningful for you to know that I'm on this journey too. Some of you only see me each week at church where it's all smiles and stain-free clothing and I look like I took a shower that day. I wanted to let you know that personalizing theology is a painful process for all of us. I wade through my own character flaws and sin tendencies and questions for God. I have to "preach" to myself the things I know to be true from the Word of God.
I don't know what your painful trial is in life. Maybe it's job related. Maybe you're longing for a husband or a child with no end in sight. Maybe you're in a marriage that seems lifeless and hopeless. Maybe you're sick or someone you love with all your heart is suffering and there's nothing you can do to help. I don't know your hurt, but my Father is intimately aware of every tear you cry.
Charles Spurgeon once said,
"We do not show our trouble to the Lord that He may see it, but that we may see Him. It is for our relief, and not for His information, that we make plain statements concerning our troubles."
Whatever is in your heart today, pour it out before the Lord. You can cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you. He is near to the brokenhearted. He is the God of all comfort. He can give you peace, even in the midst of your greatest disappointment.
When I take my troubles to the Lord, I am reminded that He is big and my troubles are very small by comparison. And even when I get off my knees with unchanged circumstances, I stand up with a fresh perspective and renewed heart.
Pour it out to God, and let Him bring healing to your heart.
2 comments:
Stacie, thanks so much for this blog post. My friends and I have talked about the "Blessings" song and how much strength she exudes through using her gift with these lyrics. I just learned that she is coming to a church in Walnut Creek on Sept. 25th in case you are interested - http://www.northcreek.org/events/an-evening-with-laura-story-2.html
You certainly are in my prayers. There are quite a good few others who share their stories and experiences on the net:
http://allyouwhohope.blogspot.com/p/my-infertility-timeline.html
http://thiscrossiembrace.blogspot.com/
Continue to pray for God's guidance and strength. If you have not looked into NFP methods, they are of great assistance in understanding the root cause of infertility.
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